Teh Lerd of teh Rerngs: Teh Fellowship of teh Bling
by L0n3-WuLf
Summary: A very... interesting... band of people bring a powerful ring to it's making point to be destroyed. Warning, this is meant to be stupid. Rated M for language and sexual innuendos. Enjoy!
1. Teh Lerd of teh Rerngs 1

Teh Lerd of teh Rerng

Teh Fellowship of the Bling

A long time ago, in a universe very different from ours, there lived a Bobbit. In a hole, under a tree, he had made his home. He had many neighbors, they also lived under trees. These Bobbits lived in a large forest called Bobbiton. The reason they were called Bobbits, is because when they walk, they bob their entire body in a very odd fashion, with their legs flaying to the side, and their torso contorting in different directions than a normal human. Anyway, back on track talking about a specific Bobbit who lived under the largest tree in Bobbiton.

His name was Brobo Swaggins, and he was the richest Bobbit in Bobbiton, as a result of a very dangerous and long quest he took in his youth. He had a younger nephew who lived with him, named Yolo Swaggins. (Yolo is not a misspelled word… Wtf.) Yolo had a fairly boring life, always dreaming of adventure, and nobody to play with, because he was not part of the awkward incest family going on in the forest of Bobbiton. Everybody was related in some way shape or form. Yolo was distrusted because he came originally from a different forest, called the Briar.

Today was Brobo Swaggins 45673472nd birthday. He was very old, and quite frail, and as a result his Swagalicious bobbing which had been made famous by his richness had turned more towards flopping rather than an actual bobbing. So it was here that the wizard Gargameldalf found Brobo and Yolo. Yolo was supporting his uncle in his time of frailty as they were transported to the party grounds, where everybody was going to celebrate the miraculous amount of years Brobo has lived, especially because the average lifespan of a Bobbit is about 67 years, 3 months, 5 hours, 23 minutes, and 41 seconds.

Gargameldalf rolled up in his cart, with little child bobbits running behind him yelling, "FIREWORKS GARGAMELDALF, FIREWORKS PLS!11!" Gargameldalf looked back, flipped off the kids, and pulled a cigarette out of his jacket, lighting it with a very elaborate fire spell which involved summoning a very large firedemon called a Glagrog, having the Glagrog punch the floor, which resulted in a large amount of sparks to fly in random directions, which were then pooled and collected into a single large spark which would light the tip of the cigarette, and then dispelling the Glagrog using a black sacrament of dark magic. It took Gargameldalf twenty minutes to light his cigarette, and by the time he was done, Yolo and Brobo had left to the party.

Gargameldalf quickly caught up to them and said, "Yo guys what's up? Yolo you look pretty good. How've you been?" Yolo looked at Gargameldalf and said quietly, "Gargameldalf... You're late." Suddenly the sky turned black and Gargameldalf became very menacing and tall, and he said in a very very very very high-pitched chipmunk voice: "YOLO SWAAAAAAAGINS! I'm NEVER late! I arrive precisely when I flippin' intend, got it?" All the Bobbits at the party were frightened by the sudden and abrupt change that Gargameldalf had shown, but Brobo looked up at Gargameldalf and said, "Fuck this." He pulled out a very boring looking ring and put it on, which allowed his body, but not his clothes to disappear from view. His clothes, which appeared to be floating, began flopping away.

Gargameldalf grabbed ahold of the floating clothes and yanked the ring off of Brobo who began gnawing on Gargameldalf's hand with his stubby old-man gums. "Ew gross!" Gargameldalf exclaimed before saying in a more serious tone, "There are many bland rings of power, but this one is by far the blandest, I mean, it doesn't even turn your clothes invisible! If you want to be truly invisible you have to be fucking naked to do it! What kind of bullshit is that? This shit needs to be destroyed."

Yolo looked stunned. Never before had he heard the words 'bland' and 'naked' in the same sentence. But he regained his composure, and asked quite loudly, "But how?" Gargameldalf looked into the distance melodramatically, a lens flare flashed by his face, "By casting it into the fires… of Mount Swag!"

All of the Bobbits in the area gasped in horror! "Mount Swag?! But that place is the home of… Salamander man!" Shrieked the mayor of Bobbiton, who was married to his sister, Brobo's second cousin three times removed.

"Yes." Said Gargameldalf. "That is very true, but somebody's got to do it." He looked at Brobo with a puppy dog face. "Pls Brobo, pls." He said, begging Brobo to come on another adventure. But Brobo was asleep, he was very rarely awake for more than ten minutes at a time. Gargameldalf sighed, and looked at Yolo. "What about you Yolo? Do you wanna go on an adventure?"

Yolo strained his eyes into the distance, attempting to portray deep thought, but the massive amount of CGI and lens flares just made it look like he had to go to the bathroom really bad. After a moment, he said in a low voice. "Yes. I'll do it." As soon as he said it, all the Bobbits in the clearing began cheering, and a fat little Bobbit ran up. His name was Jerome. Jerome O'Samsa. Jerome began to say words, but he was so fat and his mouth so full of food that it just sounded like a beached whale attempting to communicate with a small child incapable of speaking.

Yolo slapped Jerome, who coincidentally happened to be Yolo's only friend. Jerome swallowed his food and then spoke in a deceptively deep and beautiful voice, "Yolo, my only friend, please, allow me to come with you and be your companion." Yolo was all like, "Dude! Gross! I'm not gay!" But Jerome was all like, "Ew dued me neither! I meant traveling companion! Gawd." Yolo nodded and placed his hand on Jerome's shoulder. "Of course I'll take you with me." Jerome tried to jump in happiness but it caused an earthquake which felled two trees, causing the destruction of two Bobbit Holes, and the trees fell on five different Bobbits, killing them then and there.

Gargameldalf took Yolo and Jerome away to a place where elves lived. Called Riverwood. I mean Whiterun. Fuck. I mean Whitewood-River-run. On the way they met a ranger by the name of Selfie. He joined Gargameldalf and the bobbits. They finally reached the place. There was a lot of people there, all who wanted to help Yolo bring the bland ring of power to Mt Swag. There was one other man, and an elf, and a dwarf, and a freakishly tall Bobbit called Mr. Telltallman. This became the Fellowship, the Fellowship of the Bling. And then the stupid elf guy was like, "Hey y'all, Selfie is really the long lost king of Glitter-Glue!" And Yolo mumbled, "That's nice dear, eat your peas."

Yolo and the Fellowship of the Bling left the Thalmor Embassy… Fuck. Whitewood-River-Ran, and went to a giant mountain. But it got very cold and a pussy named Bromomeer was like, "Dudes, we gotta go around, towards my homecity, Glitter-Glue." But the dwarf, whos name was Glimding, said, "Nah brah, we can just go under this mountain to my underground cave system, which we haven't had word from in several years!1!" Gargameldalf looked back at the fellowship dramatically. "We don't want to do that, but we can't take the bland ring of power past the tall black penis tower of Whorespank. It's up to the ring bearer to decide." He looked at Yolo. Yolo surveyed the fellowship, all huddled together in the freezing snow. "Shiiiieeeet…" He began. "I'd looove to see that big black cock tower, buuut, maybe we should use the mines." Gargameldalf mumbled. "So be it."

It was night by the time they reached a lake. It was moonlit, and beautiful, but the really really tall Bobbit started splashing around in it because he was also a little bit retarded as a result of inbreeding, and Selfie grabbed him and said with his tongue wagging, "Don't disturb the water, little boy." Gargameldalf walked up to an outline of a door, with words written in a foreign language. Yolo came up to him and asked, "What does it say, Gargameldalf?" Gargameldalf patted Yolo's shoulder and said "Please boy, call me Gargy. Also, it says 'I had sexual relations with your mother.' It's just graffiti." Yolo nodded. "So how do we get in Gargy?" Gargy started examining the door, and when he couldn't figure it out, he sat down on a tree stump next to the door.

They sat there for several hours, when the dwarf Glimding walked up after having taken a several hour long dump. He banged on the door in a rhythmic fashion and it opened. Gargy stood up with his hands in the air and his mouth open in shock and exclaimed "What the cluck, man! I've been trying to open that for hours!" Glimding just ignored him and walked inside. Gargy followed him and then the rest of the fellowship did too. Suddenly and for no reason the door collapsed and the room became very dark. "Well fuck." A voice rang out.

A light appeared, at the end of Gargy's staff. The group began to go through the mines. It took them several hours. The stress was getting to Gargy and he decided to light a cigarette. He began his elaborate fire demon summoning spell, but the very tall bobbit sneezed, and it caused Gargameldalf to say the wrong word, which caused the demon to be very aggressive towards the Fellowship. "Run!" Gargy shrieked, and the fellowship began running away.

They ran for about a mile, being chased by the giant Glagrog. They reached a bridge, and the fellowship crossed, but Gargameldalf stopped halfway through. "Stahp!" He yelled at the beast. It slowed, and stepped onto the bridge. "Dude, I'm giving you two warning, stop now. Seriously bro, this isn't cool." Gargy said to the slowly approaching fire demon. Gargameldalf began his black sacrament to dispel the demon, but it stepped forward again, and the bridge cracked under the weight, and broke. The demon fell into the nothingness below. "Oh. Alright that works too." Gargy said as he turned and began walking towards the fellowship. But then he tripped on a rock and fell off the bridge. He clung to the edge, and as Yolo began screaming, he said to the fellowship, "Eat your peas son!" Then he fell.

The fellowship found the exit and as they left the cave dungeon draugr place thing, the fellowship was saddened by the loss of Gargameldalf and dramatic music was playing. Then Selfie drew everyone together and said "K guise, we gotta leave dis place, there's gonna be a lot of orks coming because it's mating season." And the elf, whos name was Orlando Bloom-Dah-Elf, which can be shortened to Bloomdelf, said "For pity's sake, give them a moment!" Selfie shook his head. "No, we need to go to the elf place of Lost-TARDISland. It's bigger on the inside there. We should be safe from the orks mating calls."

They went to the Lost-TARDISland, and the elves there gave them gifts of power. To Selfie, the life of the elves was given because his love was there and she screwed him silly. To Orlando Bloomdelf, there were two fancy knives and a bow given. Yolo was given a light. Jerome was given a rope. Glimding was given elf hair. And the very freakishly tall bobbit whos name I'm too lazy to type was given a sword, despite his mental state which dictated he not be given any sharp objects. And then (Bromo- Bremo- Bromosomething… what was it, bromomeer? Was that it? Well I guess I'll go with Bromomeer.) Bromomeer was given nothing, because he's a big smelly willy.

The elves of Lost-TARDISland told what was left of the fellowship that they needed to go on the Universal Studios Wild River Run ride. So they gave them three boats, the Argo, the Titanic, and the USS Prometheus and the Fellowship began their journey down the Alduin River. They rafted down the river for a few hours, passing the feet of two giant copies of the Statue of Liberty.

After a long while, nightfall came and the fellowship decided to camp by the ruins of an old place called Afew Rooster. Selfie and Orlando Bloomdelf were conversing in hushed tones. "There's something following us…" Selfie said to Orlando, and Orlando replied, "I know. I can feel it in my luscious blonde hair." Jerome suddenly stood up and started yelling about something, but he was clearly high so Selfie ignored him. But then Glimding piped up and said, "Hey, Selfie, I think little Yolo is missing. And where's that faggot Bromomeer?" Selfie was all like "Oh shieet, Bromomeer's gonna try to take the bland ring from Yolo!" Selfie, Orlando, and Glimding all ran off into the woods, looking for Yolo. Jerome was left with the tall Bobbit who had just crapped his pants.

Meanwhile, Yolo was taking a relaxing walk, and Bromomeer came out of nowhere. He said to Yolo, "None of you Bobbits should be out here… Least of all you. You know, that bland ring of power… I would love to hold it for you." Bromomeer was very attracted to the idea of being able to be invisible, naked, and in a lady's changing room. He wanted to take the ring from Yolo. "No, leave me alone!" Yolo overreacted for the camera and then ran as far as he could.

Bromomeer gave chase, but he lost sight of Yolo because Yolo had a magical clock that made him invisible. Which was a stronger article of magic than the bland ring of power but nobody knew he had it. So he came to a big building part of the ruins and he started hallucinating so he fell off the top of the building. He turned his spy-watch off and then Selfie came out of the woods. "Yolo! Where… IS… THE RIIIIIIING!" Yolo started crying and was like "Why are you yelling at me?! I don't like conflict!" Selfie kneeled in front of Yolo. "Bby, dunt wurry, I'd never harm you."

Suddenly a horn sounded in the distance. Selfie snapped his head in the direction of the sound, and said, "Oh no! It's Bromomeer's pink sparkly horn of Glitter-Glue! He must be in trouble!" He pulled out his sword, and Yolo yanked his special sword that would suddenly and without warning catch on fire whenever orks were around. The sword was flaming, and Yolo looked up suddenly as orks in heat began crawling from the bushes, looking for someone to satisfy their… heatness.

Selfie ran forward and slew the three horny orks. "Yolo! Run! Get out of here! Mating season is when orks are at their most dangerous!" Yolo started running back towards the boats. Orlando Bloomdelf and Glimding came out of the forest, and the three people ran off towards the sound of the horn, which was constantly sounding at a very annoying pace, reminiscent of an alarm clock.

Bromomeer was in deep conflict with a whole lot of orks. The tall Bobbit was there too, as Jerome had fallen asleep and the Bobbit had bobbed off to find adventure. He came across Bromomeer and then a bunch of orks came out and Bromomeer started fighting them off. He killed like, fifty orks before a very large ork with a huge thingaling walked out. He came up behind Bromomeer as he fought off more orks, and with a great and powerful pelvic thrust, impaled Bromomeer through the back. Selfie arrived in time to watch a bunch of smaller orks carry off the tall Bobbit.

With a shout, Selfie ran towards the large ork, and prepared to swing his sword sword, he can swing his sword sword. Sword his diamond sword sword. But an arrow sprouted from the large orks forehead. Selfie skidded to a stop as the large ork fell to the ground. He turned towards Olrando Bloomdelf and glared at him, because the elf had stolen his kill. Glimding grumbled. "It still only counts as one!" Orlando put his hand on Selfie's shoulder. "Where is Yolo?" He asked. "He's gone off on his own. The only thing we can possibly do at all despite having two more boats is going after the tall freakish Bobbit. We can't leave him to the assured rape that will come of being an ork slave during mating season." The elf nodded. Glimding murmered to himself, "But, how do we know what happened to Jerome? What if he didn't go with Yolo? What if we're literally just leaving him here?" He shrugged and followed Selfie and Orlando Bloomdelf into the woods.

Meanwhile Yolo boarded the USS Prometheus, and Jerome awoke from his nap, lazily following Yolo into the water. He started splashing because it's hard to swim when you've just woken up, so Yolo realized that Jerome was following him. "Hey buddy! Come aboard!" He grabbed ahold of Jerome's hand and they sailed off into the sunset, singing pirate shanties.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Teh Lerd of teh Rerngs 2

Teh Lerd of teh Rerngs 2

Super Swagalicious Edition

Concerning Bobbits… Hold on wait, wrong book sorry, let me compose myself. Okay, The two towers that's the one. Alright, where should I start? Yolo and Jerome were singing sea shanties, and Selfie, Orlando Bloomdelf, and Glimding were chasing after that really tall Bobbit. I don't even remember what I named the tall Bobbit. Tallmen? Talltale? I think it was tall something.

Anyway, this story will be split into two sections. The second part will detail the search for the Bobbit and there's all sorts of mayhem. The first part will follow Yolo and Jerome as they take the bland ring to Mount Swag to have it destroyed. Have fun, but not too much fun, because that can result in impregnating this story. And I would beat you down if you did that to my bby.

PART ONE: Teh two boobs

Yolo Swaggins and Jerome O'Bama were rappelling down a large rock wall. It had been a long time since they had left the rest of the Fellowship. A looong time. I'm trying to say it's literally been three years since they left the fellowship. After they reached the other side of the river, they left the HMS Humperdinck and set out on foot. But they heard a strange noise and went off to investigate.

What they found was a crying baby. With concern, Jerome said to Yolo, "Yolo, I think we should help this crying baby." Yolo stepped towards the baby who was just crying and crying and crying and farting and crying and crying and then it started laughing when it realized it had farted and then it went back to crying.

Yolo picked it up and started rocking it. His motherly instincts were kicking in and he started breastfeeding the baby. But then the baby bit him because Yolo is a man and can't lactate. But the baby had magical qualities and it made Yolo very tired. Then the baby transformed into a very muscular man who said with gusto, "I now pronounce you man and wife!" Then he flashed a magical powder in Yolo and Jerome's faces. The two immediately fell asleep and then slept for three years.

The two Bobbits woke up. They were very hungry. Except for Jerome, who had survived off his fat. But now he was really skinny and he found himself constantly shivering because he didn't have a protective layer anymore. "Yolo, are you okay?" Jerome asked. It took Yolo a few seconds to respond. "I'm not Yolo anymore. My name is… Afro Faggins." And so the two Bobbits set off for Mount Swag. They came to a cliff, and this is where they started rappelling.

They had been going down for a while now, and Jerome asked, "Can you see the bottom?" Afro looked down then back up at Jerome. He said in a obnoxious voice, "No, but I can see your bottom!" Then he and Jerome started laughing and Afro started pointing at Jerome with both hands. The two laughed for some time, Jerome holding, and Afro pointing at Jerome… With both hands. Then Jerome asked, "Wait how are you holding on if you're pointing at me?" Then Afro fell.

"Mr. Afro! Are you okay?" Jerome shouted. He started shimmying down faster, but slipped and fell. He landed on Afro. "Mr. Afro! I slipped! Are you okay?" Afro smiled with his kind, unblinking eyes. "Yes Jerome. And I think I found the bottom. We'd better keep going, Mount Swag is a long way away."

The two walked for a long time. Several days in fact, but they didn't appear to be going anywhere. They kept passing the same rock that had the poorly drawn graffiti of a naked woman on it.

One day it started raining and so the Bobbits took shelter in a cave. They were there for awhile, and eventually the rain ended. But right when it did, nightfall came, so they decided to sleep in the cave. Afro started having a bad dream about Gargameldalf. He very suddenly awoke.

The first thing he saw was a dirty bearded face with chewing gum stuck in the guy's gray and bushy beard. Afro screamed and woke Jerome up. The two Bobbits looked at the strange man. He had an orange sweat band over his forehead, and wore athletic runner's clothing. He was sitting in a peaceful position, with his hands up, and his thumbs touched to his pointer fingers. He appeared to be in a deep sleep.

Afro turned to Jerome, and said, "Dued who's this loser? He looks like a homeless running man." Jerome merely shrugged. The guy's eyes snapped open. "My name is Seagull. I am a hermit, but also an inner peace guru. I know what it is you seek." Afro looked at him in wonder. "You do? But how!" He asked.

"You were mumbling in your sleep." The creepy noodle man replied. "Oh." Afro mumbled. "Well, if you know what we want, is there a way that you could- WAIT A MINUTE! Were you watching us in our sleep!? Dude that's totes cray cray! And nooot cool bro!" Seagull shrugged. "Oh well. What were you going to ask?"

"I was going to ask if you could lead us to Mount Swag." Afro said. "Sure! But first, you must take my class to find your inner self." The guru replied.

Jerome and Afro huddled together. They appeared to be in deep conversation. But in actuality they were just making odd mouth noises by flapping their tongues and lips in strange ways. After a solid five minutes of mouth noises, they broke the huddle and turned to the Guru. "Alright." Afro said.

Seagull had Afro and Jerome sit down crisscross-applesauce. They were also naked. Seagull played a soothing song on his karaoke machine, and started speaking in a low voice about all sorts of weird things like seals, ball-point pens, and candy wrappers. Suddenly, Afro and Jerome burst into flames! With shrieks, the two died. They were dead. For the rest of the movie we follow Tim Allen riding a zebra. He uses a slingshot to shoot at dinosa- NOPE!

The bodies of Afro and Jerome lay there, with Seagull watching over them. The two bodies started cracking, and then shining rays of light came from the dead Bobbits. Out of the light stepped Afro and Jerome. They were completely similar in every way shape and form to the dead Bobbits. Then the bodies of Afro and Jerome burnt to nothing, with the clone thingies left. "What happened?" Asked Jerome. "You have discovered your inner self." Seagull replied.

The next day Seagull led them out of the maze of rocks the Bobbits had been lost in. He led them to a bog. After about a day of traveling through the bog, they came to a rest to take a break. "Can you smell that? It smells something foul." Jerome stated. Afro's eyes widened. He had just farted, but he didn't want Jerome to know. "It's probably the bog." He said, blaming it on the water. "Do we have any food?" He asked. "Only this roast chicken, stuffed turkey, and three bottles of sparkling cider." Jerome responded with a disappointed shrug. "Darn, that's hardly anything." Afro said.

For two more days they traveled, Seagull leading Afro and Jerome. It took them forever, but they finally reached the big mauve gate, which leads into Nor-Blore, which is where Mount Swag is. Afro tried to get up to go in, but Seagull grabbed ahold of his arm. "WAIT! You can't go in there! Salamander man will see you! I didn't know you were trying to go in! If you're trying to go in ya gotta go this way." Then he took Afro and Jerome away to a roundabout way. The two Bobbits followed Seagull, bobbing in unison.

Seagull took Afro and Jerome to a sunny open field, where they frolicked with little rabbits for a few hours. They played in the flowers, making daisy chains and singing daintily. Jerome fell in love with a young rabbit named Flibberflob, charming her with his deep voice, which even despite three years of sleep never stopped being very beautiful. Finally, the trio had to leave the field.

They came to another field, but this one was not nearly as beautiful. But there were two giant beasts walking through it. Jerome and Afro watched the humongous hippopotameese which were loaded up with armed men. More armed men walked alongside. Even the hippopotameese were armored. Especially the giant hippopatmeese's giant wangs.

Suddenly arrows started flying towards the beasts, and a lot of the men died. Arrows after arrows killed the hippopotameese and Afro was like, "We gotta go, we derped here for too derp derp derp. Derp. Long. Too Long. Too long. It's. Been much too long. " He and Jerome started running away but got caught by a bunch of hooded men wearing a lot of gold chains and holding their guns sideways. "Yo this is our turf." The hooded men said in perfect unison. "If you want to pass you must bring us a shrubbery!"

Afro looked at Jerome. They broke into song. But the gangsters cut them off. "Look bro, if you don't got a shrubbery, just come with us. We'll get this settled." The gangsters bound the Bobbits little hands and led them blindfolded for awhile. Soon they came to a broken city, with a lot of fighting and yelling. The gangsters were shot by a bunch of other hooded men who then recaptured and brought Jerome and Afro to their leader.

"My name is Fatameer. Brother of Bromomeer, I know what happened. I know he was killed by orks. But it's okay, because I'll forgive you if you but pinch my bottom three times!" The leader of the men said to Afro and Jerome. So Afro pinched Fatameer's bottom three times, and Fatameer began to giggle. "What's going on here?" Jerome asked. "We're having a big boffing battle. I'm the leader of the red team, and we're fighting the yellow team. You gotta be careful out there, there are foam arrows flying everywhere." Fatameer said. "If you get hit, you're out!"

Afro sighed. "We're just trying to get to Mount Swag." He said. Fatameer turned dramatically. "Are you telling me you still have possession of the bland ring of power? A ring like that could turn the tides of this larping battle to our favor…" Jerome became angry. "Do you wanna know what happened to your pussy broham? He tried to take the ring so he could use it for pervy stuff! And then he was killed by a giant shlong! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!" He yelled. Fatameer began to cry. "Fine, just leave then. We're probably going to lose and all get out because of you, but whatever!"

And so Afro and Jerome left the broken city and Seagull came out of nowhere leik, "Wuzzup bros? I just had to go to the store to buy some more workout CDs. What did you cats do?" Jerome looked at Seagull with hatred. He hated Seagulls face, his beard, his sweatbands, and his long greasy hair. But he loved the music Seagull played everynight, so he tolerated him. On several occasions Jerome had thought about eating Seagull, but there would be wayyy too much hair. Seagull was a very hairy dude.

This is where we leave Afro, Jerome, and Seagull. They walk through the trees towards some unknown place, getting led by Seagull, and singing "The wheels on the 'bring out your dead' cart go round and round."

TO BE CONTINUED!

PART TWO: Teh treeh boobs

Selfie, Orlando Bloomdelf, and Glimding were chasing after the large ork band. They had been following them for three days. Finally, Selfie stopped, and set his ears to the ground. Will Turner, I mean Orlando Bloomdelf stopped next to Selfie. "Selfie, what do you hear?"

"My real name isn't Selfie." Selfie replied. "It's merely my stripper name." Orlando appeared shocked. "Well, what's your real name?" He asked. "Btch Plz." Selfie responded.

"What?" Orlando said.

"Btch Plz." Selfie said again.

"What, you aren't going to tell me?" Orlando was pleading now. He had to know what Selfie's real name was.

"BITCH, THAT'S MY FUCKING NAME. BTCH. PLZ. BTCH PLZ." Selfie was basically yelling it. I mean BtchPlz was basically yelling it. Orlando Bloomdelf nodded slowly. "Oooh I get it now. Anyway, what do you hear?"

BtchPlz placed his ear delicately against the ground. "I hear the flowers. They're singing to me. It's weird. I should stop doing LSD." Orlando nodded. "Yes. Let's keep moving."

The three continued after the orks. They kept running for a long time, until a whole lot of horseback riders came. BtchPlz yelled out to the leader of the riders, a man named Johnny Bravo. "Have you seen a large band of Orks in heat? They've captured our companion and we fear for his virginity." BtchPlz said to Johnny Bravo. Johnny pointed towards a large forest. "We killed a bunch of horny orks having an orgy over there." He said. "Thanks!" BtchPlz said to Johnny.

BtchPlz led the elf and dwarf towards the forest. When they reached it, they found a large pile of burning orks. "Damn dirty orks, always having sex in the weirdest places." Muttered Glimding, who was trying hard to hide his obvious erection. "Gentlemen, welcome to Gangforn Forest." Said Orlando Bloomdelf.

"I don't see the Bobbit anywhere. Hey, btw, does anyone even know his name?" Asked BtchPlz. Glimding and Orlando Bloomdelf shook their heads. "Oh well. I guess the only place he could've gone is into the forest." Stated BtchPlz in response. So he led the other two into the forest in search of the tall Bobbit.

The three hunters spent a long time in the forest, mostly just goofing around, eating all sorts of mushrooms they shouldn't even be touching. Let's just say they were 'tripping balls' as the kids say these days.

After several hours of searching, the trio was walking down a path when they heard a snorting noise. They looked behind a tree, and there, in blue robes instead of his previous gray, was Gargameldalf; alive, and snorting some sort of red and blue powder. "Gargameldalf?! You're alive!" BtchPlz shouted. Gargameldalf jumped skyhigh, "Hoooooly shiiieeeet. You scared the fucknuggets outta me!" Responded the blue wizard. "Yes, I'm very much alive, and yes, my name used to be Gargameldalf didn't it? Well, I've been reborn. I'm on my 9th regeneration; I'm close to the end. Also my name isn't Gargameldalf anymore, I'm now Papa-Smurfdalf."

BtchPlz nodded. "I see. What are you doing here?" He asked. Papa-Smurfdalf responded in a very strange voice probably having to do with the powders he was inhaling, "I'm sAvInG tHe VeRy TaLl BoBbIt FrOm ThE wEiRd TrEe DuDe." He said. "Which tree dude?" asked Orlando Bloomdelf. Papa-Smurfdalf pointed to a giant treeman. "Oh that one. I thought it was just the mushrooms." Said Glimding.

"Buuh Rah Wroom. Aaaand whaat, aare theeeese things, Paaapa Smuuuuurfdaaaalf? Liiittlee faaaggots? Or peeerhaps, three different sized, ENT DILDOS?" Said the tree man, who had three very large tree boobies. "No, Bumscruff, these are the people we were waiting for. You can hand over the Bobbit now." Replied Papa-Smurfdalf.

The giant tree reached into a hole, right where a butt should be. He pulled out the very tall Bobbit whose name I am too lazy to type. "YAAAAY!" The Bobbit shouted. It was just about the only thing the Bobbit was capable of speaking. The Bobbit was covered in a dark green kind of moss. Bumscruff set the tall Bobbit down and he went and immediately hugged Papa-Smurfdalf.

Papa-Smurfdalf pimp smacked the Bobbit. "Ew gross!" He exclaimed, wiping ent moss off of his hand. "On second thought maybe you should just bring this Bobbit back to Bobbiton." The ent picked up the tall Bobbit and deposited him right back into his back hole. And then he slowly walked away. "Anyway, come with me, we need to go so King Brometheus of Glowham." Said Papa-Smurfdalf

Papa-Smurfdalf led the three hunters out of Gangforn Forest and took them to a place called Eat-Your-Ass. It was there that they found King Brometheus. But another wizard called Scaryman possessed King Brometheus. So Papa-Smurfdalf had to spray him with magical juices, which possessed healing qualities and also tasted like watermelon. When King Brometheus was all better, Papa-Smurfdalf said to him, "We need your help to cleanse the river of Scaryman once and for all!"

King Brometheus said, "You know that fish can hear what your thinking right before you sneeze? Also we need to go to Home-Depot so we can prepare for a big boffing battle that's sweeping across the country." Papa-Smurfdalf nodded. "Mmhmm, alright. Let's do it." He looked at BtchPlz. "BtchPlz, can you take everyone to Home-Depot."

"K." Said BtchPlz.

When BtchPlz got to the giant castle Home-Depot, a girl with luscious blonde hair came up and said, "Lord BtchPlz, my name is R-Wing." BtchPlz was all liek, "Mmm gurl, I'll make you scream like the Nazgul!" But because he already has an elf girlfriend, he restrained himself, and was like, "Why don't you be with that elf guy there? His name's Orlando. Veeeery exotic." But she was like, "Well, I'm prefer my guys with redder hair. Like, Glitter-Glue folk." And BtchPlz was like, "Okay R-Wing, just glad you're not distraught over me not being with you."

And then they were there for a long time. And a giant army of Ork LARPers came to the castle of Home-Depot, for the giant Boffing war. All the orks and all the Glowham warriors engaged in the boffing battle. It was dark, and rainy. And there were many casualties of the battle. There were refreshments provided for those that got "out" though.

But Orlando Bloomdelf didn't know wtf boffing was and he thought everyone was actually fighting so he killed like, thirty orks with his bow, then the orks realized that they were actually losing people, so they got mad and pulled out real swords, and eventually it all just went from Boffing to an actual battle.

Soon, the orks had overrun the main defenses. King Brometheus was stuck inside the keep with BtchPlz, Orlando Bloomdelf, R-Wing, Glimding, and Papa-Smurfdalf. The orks were almost there, but BtchPlz was liek, "Bro, if we get some of these unicorns you've been milking, and ride THOSE into battle, we can still win this." Papa-Smurfdalf nodded. "Alright, do you want the black or white unicorn?" BtchPlz nodded. "Yes."

So this was how the group of warriors rode out. On multicolored unicorns. Wearing thongs. With strap-on swords. BtchPlz was standing on top of two unicorns. One foot on one, the other foot on the other unicorn. He had a cape waving in the wind, with one sword in each hand, and one in his mouth, and one in his buttcrack.

The orks were so frightened by the sight of a bunch of hairy men in thongs, that they all fled from the scene, into the magical forest called Kashyyk. There were a bunch of other hairy men there, just without the thongs, and they all killed the orks.

BtchPlz nodded. "That's how you do it." He said. And then he fell off the unicorns.

THE END?

NO…

TO BE CONTINUED.. yesh.


End file.
